I was born on the same day as my oldest sister - Stefi. I was born shortly after midnight and when my father went home he woke Stefi and said "happy birthday - it's a girl". I have shared my birthday physically together with Stefi for the majority of my life. Stefi has always said I was her favorite birthday present and I felt like she would always be around to be counted on for her strength and brilliant mind. But lately I feel like Stefi has left her body and some other person is in charge. I find myself asking "where did Stefi go" so often.
Stefi is bi-polar. I think perhaps all of my sisters and I have that same tendancy to get out of control - sort of binge talking/dancing/singing. It's triggered by little things - sometimes by just our being together in one room. When we all lived in the same house we would put on "shows" most nights after dinner. Our mother said we must have been "allergic to food" because we would get so wild after eating. There was some truth to that but I don't think Stefi's issue was allergies.
Stefi - being the first born - had a lot of attention and even more expectations placed on her by our parents and their parents. She was/still is beautiful, very intelligent and took her role as big sister very seriously. I don't ever remember her telling me to go away or to not bother her. She always had time to be with us. If there was a song playing on the radio she was the first to get up and dance. Her specialty was a striptease (after she had put on almost all of the clothes in her closet). We could always count on her to wake up happy - like our father does - even today.
Stefi is gay. Honestly - I've never really understood the big deal about it. I somehow always knew this information but it didn't change who she was to me (or any of the other sisters). When our parents found out about it they pretended they had no idea and were shocked. She was living with some "interesting" friends at the time (seriously - no one can tell me they didn't know when her friends/roomates - all male - called themselves "the supremes". They wore make up and women's clothing and I just thought they were fun to be with). My father drove to her apartment in the middle of the night and banged on her front door and when she answered he told her she was dead to him. He told her she was no longer his daughter. I don't think I saw her except for birthdays for 5 years. This experience took a huge toll on her and she has never gotten over it even though she and dad have reconciled.
About 15 years ago - after 2 failed long-term relationships Stefi began acting erractically - spending lots and lots of money and being stoned more than she was not. She was able to hold down jobs and paid her bills on time (with the help of her girlfriends) but now she started wanting to spend more and more time with our mother. She wanted to be that little girl who was loved and adored by her parents. She started acting like she was digressing in age. Stefi alone - without a relationship to give her an identity is about 5 years old.
One of the last conversations I had with my mother was about Stefi and mom asked that I watch out for Stefi because she was the one mom had the most concern about. And so I've spent these years slowly becoming Stefi's big sister. She isn't herself anymore.
Stefi is living independently and has made some friends (who she considers family). 2 gay male friends. I don't think Stefi has had many non-romantic relationships with other women except her sisters. She doesn't really seem to have an identity without someone else in her life.
I remember once I was being interviewed for some newspaper. It was a long time ago - maybe 25 years ago. - anyway - they asked my opinion about some issue and not wanting to sound uninformed like I was - I called Stefi and she of course knew everything about the subject so I had an answer. That's what I remember - her intellect - her sense of humor - her willingness to be silly and her love of books. She smelled them before reading (that helped her decide to read or not to read). I don't think she has finished a book in years.
She has become a shadow of herself and it makes me so sad. And I keep wondering where Stefi is. I miss her and want her back!
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saying it out loud, with love, and where oh where is she?
ReplyDeleteSeeing her throughout my 26 years of life taught me a few things about myself, mostly about what I can and can't do, what I should and shouldn't become, as well as what I can learn about others. Aunt Stefi has systematically been doing one thing, and that's always been trying to become the center of attention, one way or another...similar to instances that I've had myself. I can't judge, though I can easily see the similarities between her and my own plight. Possibly unbeknownst to you, as well as the rest of your siblings, she has also been competing with you, Mom, and Aunt Leni; possibly on a subconscious level, for her parent's attention, especially her Father's. Grandpa has always had that patriarchal "aura" (for lack of a better word), and as I am with my Father, the one we're constantly seeking attention from is "him"...to be accepted or acknowledged, as we have not been in the past. As you know, it took forever for Dad to tell me that he was proud of me...I'm sure it took Grandpa a while after she came out to say it to her.
ReplyDeleteWhen I came back for a little bit prior to when I was supposed to deploy, I had noticed something strange about Aunt Stefi...she wasn't all there. Not only that, but her "partner" reminded me a LOT of Grandma Grace. I'm hoping that I wasn't the only one who noticed. She also seemed to have been hiding some type of sadness/shame/something I can't describe in the couple hours that we were together. I thought nothing of it until I came across your blog. Well, just some insight from the outside...
Your loving nephew, CJ